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Why Dating?

    This week I have had the opportunity to read several articles and attend meetings about dating. I have learned a ton and am hoping that today in my blog that I can address two overarching questions in regard to dating. These questions are, how does our culture see dating today and what impact can that have on our ability to build healthy relationships, and what is actually a good date that can help us build healthy relationships?

    To get a sample about how the world sees or prompts dating just take a look at today's popular media. Modern movies, Hallmark shows, popular TV shows, music, and even modern Disney movies have played a huge role in shaping our culture regarding relationships. All these shows portray people meeting in some random way, often getting physical on the first date or soon after meeting, and show romance as being very sexually turned on by each other. Often they show a whirlwind romance and after only knowing each other for a short period of time they are pronouncing love and a desire to marry or move in together. 

    Another cultural normal way of dating can be considered the “date them till you hate them” method. In this way of dating one hones in on one person and they occupy all their time. They exclusively spend all their time with each other until they get sick of that person and break up. This then starts the cycle over again and they repeat this practice with their next partner. This has impacted how we see a simple date today. Culturally going on a date seems pretty official almost as though you are saying you want to officially date that person. This is why so many young single adults hang out rather than go on dates. 

    We have all seen and been influenced by these cultural shifts with dating today! The question is what are the possible problems that may come from this changed view of dating? Here are just a few I have seen or learned about this week:

  • Getting physical with someone too fast and getting attached to them before really knowing them well
  • Only learning how to seriously date people, never learn how to naturally get to know people without being in a relationship with them
  • Think love is all about physical attraction
  • Fewer opportunities to meet new people which limits your options for cultural partners
  • Become haphazard in our relationships rather than intentional
    These and more have made a huge impact on our ability to develop healthy and strong relationships. So with this unhealthy culture related to dating and relationships what are ways we can build stronger relationships? How can we shift the culture and practices for developing relationships and dating? What are more healthy ways to date? This week I was introduced to the “R.A.M.” model which stands for Relationship Attachment Model that was developed by Van Epp in his book “How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk.” The image below it illustrates the importance of never getting ahead of one of these principles before the others. It is important to avoid getting physical with someone until you have progressed with the other four parts of a relationship. If we develop relationships in this order we are more likely to build strong relationships that are based on a healthy foundation. 

Van Epp , "How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind"

    Another important part of developing healthy relationships comes from actually going on dates and not just hanging out. Dates provide an opportunity for individuals to see each other in a variety of different circumstances so you can better get to know that individual. This doesn’t mean a date has to be extremely extravagant, expensive, and time-consuming. Some of the best dates are simple and inexpensive. It is important to avoid putting a lot of pressure on or expectation into a date especially when you are first getting to know someone. Be yourself and try to have fun while dating. Even though dates can be pretty scary and uncomfortable at times it will be easier to get to know someone if we just try to be ourselves and have a good time! Dating can be fun if we approach it in the right view.

    After learning about the RAM model and understanding more about how to develop healthy relationships I feel less scared and unsure about how to build strong healthy relationships. I feel more open to dating and getting to know several people in normal and natural ways and feel less pressure from our culture! I hope these things can help you as you build and work to strengthen relationships in your life and together we can shift the culture of dating! 

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